no sleep

(I'd write on the other blog, but it's the middle of the night and I can't be bothered to translate my thoughts into German right now.)

Sleeping is not an option right now, which sucks, but not as much as it used to. The Internet has long taking the business of distraction to levels television could never match, and that's all I need, really. Distraction.

Well, no, it's not all. The one thing I need more than distraction is control, of course, and even my distraction has to be a controlled one.

First I have to take control over why I can't sleep. Because the default reason (compulsive, graphic thoughts about me dying) is — literally — the worst thing I can imagine.

So I turn on the lights, get something to eat, make a cup of tea and place myself in front of the computer. If it's getting light outside I might go out and photograph, but usually I just check what's new in Reader, chat with people in other time-zones (or people that also can't sleep) and eventually resort to watching some DVDs or downloaded shows.

I used to keep myself awake at night long before I had to. During the last few years of school, I hardly slept at all, and I considered that to be a good thing. The less rested I was, the better I was, at least in areas I deemed important. I was funnier, wittier, had more self-esteem, was more... successful. To feel that way nowadays I have to be either hung-over or spend three months in a mental clinic.

I'm probably over-simplifying things. But, hey, it is the middle of the night.